I should mean more................

I'm......not okay today.

I'm not sure if it's the weather or the season or whatever, but somethings got me down again.

Maybe it's all these expecttions people have of me. They expect me to do well, they expect me to be successful, they expect me to come home soon.
But what if all of that is nothing that I want.
Do I ignore my heart just to keep things stable. To keep from rocking the boat?
But what if that's not the kind of person I am?
What if I'm the type of person who's only okay when the storm's hit and the boat is being tossd and turned and you don't know if you're gonna make it out alive.
What if I'm one of those people who thrive on catastrophe?
What if I'm just always meant to be a hot mess?

Because at this moment in time, I think I am.
Infact, that's the only thing I'm sure of about myself.
I'm a total fuck up and always will be. In my head. In my heart.
Even if everything on the outside looks well packaged and put together.
It's only because that's the illusion I want to give.
It's because I want to fool you all.

And as of now, I'm doing a pretty good job.