the things we'll never know............

my head is all sorts of everywhere, as this will probably reflect, but that's okay because at least i'm still trying.

i had a dream about you the other night. i don't remember much but i remembered you.
i can't believe it's been well over a year since we last saw one another.
i remember it like i was yesterday, just as i remember the day we met.
i remember how you looked, sounded, smelled. how everything about you was what i thought i always wanted.
and for awhile i thought all of my dreams would come true.
you and me, me and you.

but you had a secret you kept so well. one that ended with you and her and me going 3000 miles away.

i sometimes wonder what it would have been like had it all worked out as i had once planned.

i sometimes wonder how you are now. if you're still the same, because i know i'm not and never will be.

sometimes, on nights like this, i'd give anything to go back to the way it was, or even for us to just still be friends.

what i'm really trying to say is, i miss you.

this says it better than i ever could..........

"we can turn our backs on the past and start over

not long ago
I gave up hope, but you came along
you gave me something I could hold onto

and I want you
more than you could ever know

before I met you I use to dream you up and make you up in my mind

and all I ever wanted was to be understood
you've been the only one who could
I could never turn my back on you"

here I stand, with one foot on the edge again..............

I feel that I should be happy.
That all of this should make me happy.
And I'm really trying to be happy.
But I'm not.

Spending way too much time thinking about the things that I can not change and the things that changed me.

Still, as always, trying to figure it out.

I never really understood the notion of perfection.
Nothing in this world is such so why do we try so hard to achieve it.
Kinda seems like a waste of time when we really should just be making it all count.

One of these days my head and heart will align.

And when they do it will be pure magic.

You do it to yourself you do, and that's what really hurts.......

I need a reason.
I need to know why in all my rational thought how this seemed to be a good idea.
Because from here all I can see is sadness, and lonlieness and this incredible sense of loss.
Of the place I loved.
Of the people I knew.
Of all that city held for me.

You never wanted anything more than to be what I needed.
And you were.
You were dingy and dirty and overused,
but somehow we made it work.
Together.

And now that I'm no longer there it's as if none of it makes sense anymore.
There was no reason for me to abandon you.
You never did that to me.

I miss the city more than I ever could have imagined.
You were all I really needed.

Soon I'll make my return to you.
We will be carefree and joyous again.

Wait for me, L.A.
And don't ever change.