Oh what a li(f)e I lead..........

You ever just have one of those days where nothing goes how you hoped?

Yeah, I thought so...............me too...........

All my friends are heading up to NYC tomorrow and I alas am not...........sucks to be me


I've decided I hate my job.........doesn't matter if I am doing it here or in kentucky or in any other place in this world, I officially hate the life I have chosen.

What happens when everything you think you want is what you've got, only for you to realize that nothing is the way it was supposed to be..............but what is it supposed to be?


I'm just a hot mess, no need for an accomplice..........I screwed this one up all on my own........

The web we weave, a mess indeed........

My brain hurts.......

Why is it that people expect you to know what you want to do for the rest of your life in your early 20's?

In my opinion it is a completely unrealistic and highly idealistic notion that you might even venture to have an answer to that.

I feel like my mind might actually explode from the sheer lack of space coupled with the massive volume. Right now it's filled to capacity and yet all these thoughts continue to creep in.........

........unannounced.........unexpected...........unwanted..........

I'd be lying if I said I had a clue, but a hint might be nice.......

Thinking of putting out a suggestion box.......please submit.

Say it like you mean it, live it like you might.........

Put up my guard and hide the key, draw the map so no one can see.
For no one to find, for no one to have except for that one special person.
With no direction at all, with no clues to be found, he'll know where I hid it.
He'll know where I hid it.
I won't look for him, it's not meant to be that way.
My heart's desire will find me someday.

So until then I'll bandage what's left and lock it safe, keeping it from you.
Keeping it from you.




Sometimes it's better to know than to not.



This is what I needed, at first I just couldn't see it.

My eyes are blurred and bloodshot.......

I don't think I've ever cried so much in a two day period.

What in the world am I doing here?

The chain of events that led me here keep running through my mind as if on a perpetual repeat that I don't know how to turn off. Someone make it stop.

I thought this was what I needed, some time away, some time alone. But I've been here less than a week and already I'm finding that I apparently don't do well on my own. There are always times in our lives where we feel alone or may be by ourselves for a brief period of time. But never has there been a time in my life where I have truely felt lonely......at least not up until now. It is a truely sobering thing to come to a place and know no one. I don't know what I thought it'd be like but this certainly isn't it.

In my mind I painted a picture of new adventures in a foreign land where I would meet new people and have fun times. I can see now that my picture is somewhat askew.

So now, I'm stuck here, bound for the next 14 weeks, not able to leave, not able to fix this mess that I've once again made. Not really feeling like I can do anything at all.

I don't want to tell anyone back home about the current state of things. It'll only make them worried. I'd rather be miserable and not tell them so as not to make them worry. I'm kinda funny that way.

This is really my only outlet. It's the one thing no one really knows about and I have no intentions of telling them. This is between the internet and me. I hope you can keep a secret.
Please send me a friend.

It's me vs me in the battle that never ends......

I've lost the beat but somehow still know the tempo. Like a familiar song you're not really sure you even know, but somehow know you do.

Things are strange, exciting, unfamiliar, different, the same.
You couldn't expect it to have lasted forever......after all, nothing does.
When you fall asleep tonight remember how it used to be, the way it was back then and quietly reflect on how it will never be that way again.
Paint the picture, draw the line......whatever it is you must do to make yourself feel a little bit better. Then remember it's what you wanted.

These are the ramblings of an insanely fatigued mind. Pay them little attention. They might just be the most honest things said.
Lack of sleep is like a truth serum.

Continue to build the walls. They'll only become stronger with time.
This is me not really caring.

Note to self: I am your own worst enemy.

I'm an addict for dramatics I confuse the two for love.

I'm 3000 miles away from everything that I love.
I this REALLY what I wanted? What I needed?

Is it okay to say that I don't know?


I think I need a hug........

Can we just begin again? I think I screwed it up my friend.........

I know you're probably wondering what this is all about. But I must apologize for my recent behavior.
I'm sure you remember the night, wednesday, the big day.
Afterwards was when it all went down. And when I say down, I mean in terms of the hill.
It all started off well enough, as most things tend to do.
But at the end, I feel I overstepped my bounds, teetering dangerously close to the edge. In hindsight, I think I might have jumped.
I never wanted to be THAT girl. The one who went too far, said too much, did the wrong things at the worst of times.

I became her that night.

And as I saw you standing there today watching your friends, I realized how incredibly wrong I had been in my actions.
My heart sank to my feet and I was saddened at the thought that I may have taken you for granted in a sort of way.

You're only a boy and I'm only a girl. Under different circumstances it wouldn't matter as much as it does. But,we all know it matters greatly.

I don't really know what came over me in that moment. Part of it was the late realization that you were infact leaving. Something I was slow on the uptake with. Or maybe it was the culture shock of being in this town, as it was only my 1st day.

But, I must say thank you for the gracious and kind way you handled the inconvience and took that impromptu snapshot. It truely meant alot.

I don't care what thay all think, in my book, you're alright kid and I will continue to defend you no matter what those people say. You deserve more than this. They all just don't know it.

I must admit though, the photo taken that night is one of the most truthful photos I have ever seen....not only in terms of you, but also with me. It says things to me no one will ever know, mostly things about the people behind those heavy, tired eyes.

So perhaps I'll see you again one day, walking the pup you so fondly spoke of.

Some of me hopes that will happen so I can do this apology in the right way.
Most of me knows it never will, and that's ok.

It's highly doubtful that you are actually reading this, but felt I needed to get it out there.


This is my bottle, I'm thrusting it into the sea.
Only time will tell if it makes it to where it needs to be.